ENGLISH IS kuku NOT MY LANGUAGE

Metaphorically, your mind is a big file cabinet (mine as well). By my reckoning, the location of the mind is anybody's guess, but I've narrowed it down to the head and the heart. Despite my doubts about its location, there's no doubting its existence and one thing I'm sure of is that my mind has an endless capacity for useless information.

The ease with which I recollect lyrics or number plates of peoples' cars is astonishing. Trying to recollect what you read in an exam hall, or something equally important however is a Herculean task. By tweaking my mind though, I recall this tale I'm going to tell you.

Years ago, I met a girl. A female; someone of the opposite sex (OK you get it). Her spoken English was topnotch -- at first hearing. Over time, we got closer and eventually became acquaintances. Then I realized that while her proficiency in the techniques of communicating with the English language was of no mean standing, the initial zing was exaggerated. It became apparent that I was probably better at speaking the bloody language, she was only faster and used phonetics -- while I, for circumstances beyond my control, espouse ebonics. As is de riguer of a bad, sharp guy, I decided to try my luck with the said pretty girl (not grammatically, I assure you).

I had two baths, took deep breaths & at length assumed several scenarios in my head where it would all go wrong -- all those while almost biting my fingers off. I eventually made the call & my fears came to pass when she didn't pick up. I was beating myself up & pulling my hair out for even having the gumption to try such when she called back.

"Hi cue" she sounded excited
"Hey Chioma" I said in a surprisingly shaky voice.

And then she said it. The best statement ever. (A little puffery isn't uncalled for. Lol)

"I missed your call."

THAT, my dear friends, deflated my already depleted ego. A short while later, I ended the call with a "...I was just checking on you." (I just wasn't!!)

I MISSED YOUR CALL.
Apposite. I know it isn't much, but being a late bloomer on all facets of development; (especially when it comes to using actual words to express myself, through my mouth!) -- I couldn't help but marvel at the beauty of that statement.

Until that moment, I would say "I saw your missed call".

It really gets my goats when peeps use the 'English-is-kuku-not-my-language' line. Just stop it! It really does my head in. An improvement in your vocabulary (not necessarily grammar) inadvertently incites an upgrade in your intellect and communication skills. Its no coincidence that historical leaders & figures were eloquent orators; Gandhi, Mandela, MLK, Sir Alex, Captaincue. Even the motherfuckers; Nero, Stalin, Idi Amin, Adolf...

Look at what our boy Achebe did with his wonderful powers of expression....

Point being , choice of words start fights. Inappropriate use of a combination of words starts conflicts. Ineffective communication start wars. Don't even get me started on what effective communication brings to the world.

Now, communicational ineptitude cost me a relationship with that girl. Unfortunately, some people have paid bigger fines for this same trait -- it has even cost some their lives.
Not 'knowing' English isn't patriotic. Just strive for self-improvement OK? I hope you find your reason.

N.B: by no means am I advocating that English should take precedence over your local language but English is Nigeria's lingua franca as it is. (hate it or not).

As you were guys.

(Cue wasn't a very confident young man)

---CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)