I waka about an awful lot. And while drinking green
bottles of fura on my frequent visits to Ilorin bars, I observe things that are
not there to be observed. For instance, I notice how, when you get to a bar and
delay stretching your hand to a visibly older person; especially one of Yoruba
extraction, such a person will likely deem you an omoluabi. Due to the
sheer vastness of their meanings, there are words in every language that will
never truly retain their connotations when translated into English. One of such
is the Yoruba word omoluabi which, according to me is used to
describe a wholesomely morally-upright person. But who am I, right?
I wikid omoluabi and the clearest least ambiguous
definition said it’s a term used to describe “a philosophical and cultural
concept that’s native to the Yoruba people; usually used to describe a person
of good character – such that when a person is called omoluabi, he is thought of as a paragon of excellence in
character.” More than a class of person, omoluabi;
from my understanding of Olusola Olanipekun’s 2017 paper in Africology: Journal of Pan-African Studies can
be said to be the concept of Yoruba morality. So why are we even here?
Over the sallah period, a tweet popped up on my
timeline detailing a scenario where an impending couple have an unseemly issue
because the guy wants the girl to remove her nose ring when she comes to meet
his parents. She rejects this, and the guy is confused as to what to do next.
As ever, when it comes to these matters, there has predictably been many
reactions; from the obtuse to the hyperbolic. I’ll shamelessly plug this piece
into that event and it will be fun. After the first three episodes: here (Carrying Plate/Washing Car), here (Daddy's Money) and here (45-minute sex), here goes
the fourth episode.
FACT
There comes a “so where is this going” moment in
every heterosexual relationship – no matter how lackadaisical both parties hold
it. At that point, you either go backwards (possible breakup) or move forward
(possibly consolidate the damn thing by meeting family and close friends) – but
never stagnation.
AFTER
THE FACT
For many persons, it is especially hard letting go, even
if temporarily, of our presumably lost but newly found selves. While the most
common tip is “be yourself,” this ignores the fact that most are lost and have
no fucking idea who they’re supposed to be. Who
is me? Who is the actual, unadulterated me? Confusion reigns supreme and
people don’t want to have to go looking for their former unformed selfs because the journey is fraught
with crippling self-doubt. So they stick to a persona that works best for them
and guard it jealously against any agent of change.
As much as people-pleasing is ultimately a despicable character to many by the virtue of its name, the very act, in and of itself, is part and parcel of the oil which lessens the frictions of social engines; otherwise called diplomacy.
Before officially
meeting parents and getting all seriousy, it is assumed that you must have
attained a bit of emotional equilibrium and derived an idea of who you want to
be. So, your partner has a piercing and wears a nose ring and you have
conservative (usual) parents? Or you wear a nose ring normally, but your
boyfriend’s parents may not think highly of you. How do you handle it?
ARGUMENTS
Liberalism’s greatest tenet is idealism. Most –isms,
practiced to the Nth degree are bad. Amidst a number of things one must watch
out for in a serious relationship, temperament is probably the most important.
How does the person deal with things generally?
So, to remove nose ring or not? When a potentially
marriageable prospect turns me down for some reason, it stings my ego, but that
is immediately assuaged by the fact that it will take even longer to start
being accountable to someone. Relationships of that sort come with factoring
your partner’s interests into most equation.
In a situation like this where there are no wrong
answers, one should opt for the ones which seem most right. By virtue of our
upbringings and moral compasses, we have been inundated with teachings on
respecting parents and in this our Nigeria, this usually entails not ever
arguing with them, or at worst, doing it very (fucking) carefully. To be fair,
dismissing their views out of hand is crude and uncool.
- If, truly, you know, like most of us do, that wearing a nose ring or a particular hairstyle has little to do with one’s propensity for being an incorrect person, then you, as the partner of the lady have the obligation to convince your folks of this fact. That said, the overly pretentious and puritanical teachings/preachings we’ve heard will frown upon these things to the extent that noserings/tattoos/dreads etc are atop the list of the mental image many of our old folks have of bad boys/girls.
- People in relationships must realize that as far as parents are concerned, half of adulting is convincing our parents to trust our judgments. This cannot be done while refusing to have the occasional difficult conversation.
- What motive do you have for sticking to your guns? Is it because you’ve surmised that if you were to lead with falsehood, and I use the term lightly here, you will have to continue lying to keep up appearances?
- Is it because people must take you as you are? Mia san mia, and all that?
- Is it because you’ll seem weak if you cannot stand your ground?
- Is it a combination of some, or in fact, all these?
UNEMOTIONAL
VERDICT
“Directness
and honesty may give you relief, but they also stir up antagonism.”
Adulthood comes with annoying problems that we
cannot wish away. One of these is the concept of adjudication. You will always
be judged! That will always be the case and there’s precious little you can do
about it than to make these judgments favour you. If, truly, you’re about to
head to the home of the one you love, you will (un)consciously accentuate/tweak
some aspects of you in order to be favourably judged. While you cannot live
your life seeking validation from every idiot who can form an opinion, you
realistically cannot actively seek out censure. In a list of things that aren’t
important at all, this is one of the most important of the lot. I wouldn’t throw
away the chance of being with my love away so casually.
Trust me, I would
rather go anywhere, to see anyone, in shorts and teeshirts whilst chewing gum
because, on an average day, na me be that. But first impressions do matter an
awful lot, particularly with people as important as in-laws. Surely, you don’t
believe the "never judge a book by its cover" saying. People will judge you by
what they see, and for the most part, they like a good front. Maybe you should
give them one.
On the other hand, as much as people-pleasing is not
a solid tactic to live by, reducing your essence by living just to prove a
point is equally deplorable. Having a huge chip on your shoulder where you feel
slighted at the slightest slight (sorry) and feel compelled to make a point is not endearing at all. If you feel
so strongly about the particular issue, and have consequentially extrapolated
that singular event to broader issues, then stick with your principles by all
means. But if you’re doing it in spite of what your common sense is telling you,
tor! Standing for something is cute, but falling for nothing is dumb.
You must be tactful. The best battles are the ones
won without visibly fighting. Our societal values over here are based on optics
and just as Robert Greene said in the quote above, the temptation to always be
honest, explicit, direct and upfront might seem ideal, but history has shown us
that people who got things done compromised on the trifles and mixed things up.
You’re not lying. You’re just sidestepping a potential banana peel to focus on the
important stuff.
Knowing that most of our people begin to judge your omoluabiship by what they see and not
necessarily the stuff you’re made of is ace. Hopefully our generation can have
a 3-D approach to viewing these things. More than the nosering non-issue, just
delay your handshake for a bit and you won’t pay a dime for the bottles they
keep sending to your table because, apparently, you’re an omoluabi.
People will judge your book by its cover and thankfully,
this is something you already know. What cover are you putting on your book?
**Do you agree with any part of the passage? Do you disagree with any point? Let me know if you have time.
CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)
