Having lawyers as friends can be painful; as they
are wont to be annoying when you attempt to have a normal, outside-of-the-court, not-on-the-stand conversations with
them. Some of them find it hard to abandon their lawyery persona, but I’m now
used to it. Conversely, having them as friends also comes with its perks; as
you tend to be more aware of the implication of words, gestures and whatnot.
You also pick up some smart, philosophical terms like ‘plausible deniability’. In
line with this, I cannot tell you I have not been writing erotica under a pseudonym
for a website for the past few weeks. I cannot tell you that because:
- I’m going to have kids and I don’t want my kids growing up to read how fucked up their daddy’s mind/activities was
- I have a wild imagination. I have imagined that an uber-religious outfit will be impressed by my writing portfolio and offer me a job, only for the CEO to retract the offer after seeing that my protagonist in the erotica has repeatedly slept with his boss' wives
I feel sorry for you people because you are being
deprived of some exceptional prose, but that is by the way. Today’s topic is
something I have always wanted to write, but Wednesday’s series of #45Minutes
tweets have presented an opportunity for my friend to write in. Due to the
tedium of writing ‘my friend said...,’
I will just use “I” instead.
As ever, this started rather innocuously when a guy tweeted another guy
claiming he pounds people’s daughters for #45Minutes.
FACT:
2) There is a seeming ‘shameful’ tag that society’s collective moral compass has attached to sexual discourse.
3) Fierce ignorance of pertinent knowledge pervades and plagues this zeitgeist.
AFTER
THE FACT:
1)
Physically
and psychologically, sex is meant to be one of the escapes of our daily lives
and therefore, designed to both be pleasurable and enjoyable. In a recent
article that highlighted existential racism in football journalism, that writer
decried the use of certain words to describe black players. “Strong, powerful,
built like a bull, raw, explosive , big..” without ever really using words like
“skilful, intelligent, poise...”
In a similar vein, one can infer the perspective
from which most people see sex from the words they use to describe it. You see and
hear people using words like ram, bludgeon, knack, plunge, hit, choke, hard,
fast, tear. TEAR!!!!!!
The form of our country has so distressed most
Nigerians and we look to fuck away our pent-up frustrations with our sexual
partners. Hence, the seemingly widespread notion that sex is always about
dominion and raw, animalistic, incessant pounding. I’ll end this subsection by
saying that sometimes, it is (about power) and other times, it is about
subtlety. Learn to mix it up.
2) I have been described on occasion as
‘inappropriate,’ but I think that stems from the fact that sexual discourse
creeps most people out. The first time I ever asked my friends about intimate
stuff was when one of my women started squeezing my nipples during coitus. It
was the most un-sensual thing ever done to me and I cringed in disgust. So I
asked my male friends if nipple squeezing has any effect on them. The wide
ranging answers have educated me and I’ll be a better husband to my eventual
wife. For something that takes up this substantial percentage of our time, I
think we should be talking about sex, as much as we talk about football, shoes,
music & other stuff.
Let us start un-sinning sexual discussions.
3) COMMUNICATION is key during this thing: Okay. I
like to think I’m a half-decent footballer and every single time I take to the
pitch, I play CB or DM and I end the match (no matter how friendly or
competitive) with a scraggy voice due to incessant bellowing of instructions
at teammates (no matter how good they are).
Now, on the prism of life, football ranks just below
sex and most of you will agree with me that ordinary
football cannot be played without communication, let alone sex. See ehn?
When you indiscriminately have sex to some level, a girl that was calling you
‘Boda Tijani’ will call you ‘Bros Tee’, then ‘TeeJay’ - - before she finally
removes bros and you become Tijani. Lol.
I’m just saying that if I let you put my penis
between your teeth and you allow my penis INSIDE you, what level of intimacy is
left again? Why the rubbish shyness again? I don’t get why some of you cannot
look at your sexual partner and ask/say what you/(s)he wants so you’ll tailor
your performance to that preference.
Look, I have been on top, beneath, beside, behind
and inside you (literally) for fuck's sake, why can’t we talk to each other! This distinct and
disturbing lack of communication around a most important topic has seemingly
given most boys the preconception that the average woman wants to be pounded
until you create a crater. This might be the case, but the onus is on us to
find out and actually understand the working principles of what our partners
want.
4) You are a 23yearold boy and you believe you can’t
sustain an erection without tramming
up your system and drinking alleged performance-improving potions. Are you not
unfortunate in life like this? True, from condensed street knowledge, a random
girl you engage in casual sex with will be hard to convince to come back if
your first impression is not ‘strong’ enough. But you should not set a false
standard you will never be able to replicate without those drugs.
I just think that at some point in your distant
future, even though you started drugging up in order to last longer, the
cumulative effect will be that you won’t even be able to get it up anymore
without help. But what do I know? Sha don’t use porn standards to gauge
yourself. Which takes us to the next point:
5) If most guys can pound for #45Minutes like they claim on the online, who are
those that these women are complaining about?! My fornicating friend, don’t
kill yourself trying to emulate people who overrate their badness on Twitter by manufacturing reputations at will. People
like us that can actually do these things (by the grace of God) don’t boast
because of political correctitude. Lol.
Semi-finally, a wonderful sort of friendship is one
comprised of persons of the opposite sex where both of them have long overcome
the urge to tear clothes off each other. When you have this kind of
friendship, you will trade information on the ideal stuff that ‘good sex’ entails. It is then you will find out
that contrary to pop sayings, most can’t stomach
(shoot me) the famed eight incher.
Finally, I (my friend) strive for holistic
betterment on all facets of my life and sex is also part of it. In fact, I
engage in occasional pre-marital sex so I can gather experience for my
incepting wife in 2025. I jest, of course. Seek knowledge, have discussions and get better at this sex thing. It's good for your ego, your psyche and your body.
Leave standards for those Twitter people.
--CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)
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