on FRIENDZONE

In my neighborhood in Ilorin, we have not had NEPA light for two weeks. Being one for getting to my house late, I didn’t even notice this disheartening trend until one Saturday morning where I saw an ad hoc taskforce going round affected houses to tell us we had to pay N3,000 each in order to replace some armored cables stolen from our transformer. **insert joke about our country here

I will resist the urge to start a “stealing is bad” lecture just because I can’t quite look past the idea of someone stealing something as hefty as that, at the huge risk of getting caught when you can just steal an iPhone and make double the amount. Instead, you know I always come on here to pen whatever facet of life I have seemingly figured out. This is about the psychological working principles of friendzoning.

In the days that followed this ugly knowledge, I came to terms with the feelings of hopelessness – and it’s only fair that I extrapolate this tale to that of a most unfortunate realm in the multiverse of heterosexual relationships which is popularly known as FRIENDZONE. Now, I once asked on Twitter the criteria which one must clear before having the qualifications to talk about these things, but there was never a concrete answer. I have since concluded that whatever these arbitrary terms are, I have clearance to do so.

Urban dictionary aptly defines a friendzone as “a particularly aggravating metaphorical place that people end up in when someone they are interested in only wants to be friends.” Particularly aggravating made me laugh. Let me tell you I have been on both the receiving and the giving end of this zoning. I once went with a friend to her church where her pastor, on spotting me, asked her, “Is he sleeping with you?” She said I wasn’t. He pressed further; “Well, is he planning to?”

A few seconds passed and I calmly asked “Well, what did you tell him?” “No,” She said she said. Ouch. I had been friendzoned!! The answer she gave led to some introspection on my end and I had two conclusions:

1)   Two adults can be ‘just’ friends with none of them nursing feelings for each other.

2)   Two adults can be ‘just’ friends where one of them harbors feelings for the other.

Naturally, when a smitten person who expressly communicates a desire for more than just friendship is consigned to the friendzone, they tend to feel bad. Often, it’s a slippery slope of unrequited love you’re trying to climb with shoes that don’t have the spikes of hope. To that, I say you are on your own. God help you.

However, when the feeling is simmering beneath the surface and is not yet acknowledged or recognized, let alone communicated, it’s better left undiscussed. This is because you might not leave your house for three weeks and there will be no problem whatsoever. Let them put you under house arrest for a week, and you will be sad and uncomfortable. That is how friendzoning works. Amean, I don’t even want to fuck you – or add another girlfriend yet, but don’t explicitly close that window to me.

I once visited a court with large Victorian windows that afforded me the sobering opportunity of seeing young people like myself brought out from a Black Maria, and brought before the judge in handcuffs. That image has never left me. All through the proceedings, all I could only think “wow, so this one will not even be able to take an ordinary walk when he wants it.”

There is a level of helplessness that comes with the knowledge that your wire has been stolen. You don't plug your phone overnight. You don't even bother to switch the fan on; because you know there will be no light. When the option of doing something is taken away from you, there’s a sad feeling. Not that you want to do anything before o, but knowing that if you ever wanted to do something, you still retained the option? That feeling is comforting.

I hope we’ve established the relationship between freedom and the unseemly menace that is friendzoning. Like Robin (who was notorious for never wanting to have kids) told Lily after being clinically declared unable to have kids in a lovely episode of HIMYM: "it's one thing not to want something, it's another to be told you can't have it."

When I figure out the mentality behind another of life’s many crazinesses, I’ll be back. Until then..

CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)