TWITTER CONCOCTIONS (S01, E04) : OMOLUABI

I waka about an awful lot. And while drinking green bottles of fura on my frequent visits to Ilorin bars, I observe things that are not there to be observed. For instance, I notice how, when you get to a bar and delay stretching your hand to a visibly older person; especially one of Yoruba extraction, such a person will likely deem you an omoluabi. Due to the sheer vastness of their meanings, there are words in every language that will never truly retain their connotations when translated into English. One of such is the Yoruba word omoluabi which, according to me is used to describe a wholesomely morally-upright person. But who am I, right?

I wikid omoluabi and the clearest least ambiguous definition said it’s a term used to describe “a philosophical and cultural concept that’s native to the Yoruba people; usually used to describe a person of good character – such that when a person is called omoluabi, he is thought of as a paragon of excellence in character.” More than a class of person, omoluabi; from my understanding of Olusola Olanipekun’s 2017 paper in Africology: Journal of Pan-African Studies can be said to be the concept of Yoruba morality. So why are we even here?

Over the sallah period, a tweet popped up on my timeline detailing a scenario where an impending couple have an unseemly issue because the guy wants the girl to remove her nose ring when she comes to meet his parents. She rejects this, and the guy is confused as to what to do next. As ever, when it comes to these matters, there has predictably been many reactions; from the obtuse to the hyperbolic. I’ll shamelessly plug this piece into that event and it will be fun. After the first three episodes: here (Carrying Plate/Washing Car), here (Daddy's Money) and here (45-minute sex), here goes the fourth episode.

FACT

There comes a “so where is this going” moment in every heterosexual relationship – no matter how lackadaisical both parties hold it. At that point, you either go backwards (possible breakup) or move forward (possibly consolidate the damn thing by meeting family and close friends) – but never stagnation.

AFTER THE FACT

For many persons, it is especially hard letting go, even if temporarily, of our presumably lost but newly found selves. While the most common tip is “be yourself,” this ignores the fact that most are lost and have no fucking idea who they’re supposed to be. Who is me? Who is the actual, unadulterated me? Confusion reigns supreme and people don’t want to have to go looking for their former unformed selfs because the journey is fraught with crippling self-doubt. So they stick to a persona that works best for them and guard it jealously against any agent of change.

As much as people-pleasing is ultimately a despicable character to many by the virtue of its name, the very act, in and of itself, is part and parcel of the oil which lessens the frictions of social engines; otherwise called diplomacy.

Before officially meeting parents and getting all seriousy, it is assumed that you must have attained a bit of emotional equilibrium and derived an idea of who you want to be. So, your partner has a piercing and wears a nose ring and you have conservative (usual) parents? Or you wear a nose ring normally, but your boyfriend’s parents may not think highly of you. How do you handle it?

ARGUMENTS

Liberalism’s greatest tenet is idealism. Most –isms, practiced to the Nth degree are bad. Amidst a number of things one must watch out for in a serious relationship, temperament is probably the most important. How does the person deal with things generally?

So, to remove nose ring or not? When a potentially marriageable prospect turns me down for some reason, it stings my ego, but that is immediately assuaged by the fact that it will take even longer to start being accountable to someone. Relationships of that sort come with factoring your partner’s interests into most equation.

In a situation like this where there are no wrong answers, one should opt for the ones which seem most right. By virtue of our upbringings and moral compasses, we have been inundated with teachings on respecting parents and in this our Nigeria, this usually entails not ever arguing with them, or at worst, doing it very (fucking) carefully. To be fair, dismissing their views out of hand is crude and uncool.

     

• If, truly, you know, like most of us do, that wearing a nose ring or a particular hairstyle has little to do with one’s propensity for being an incorrect person, then you, as the partner of the lady have the obligation to convince your folks of this fact. That said, the overly pretentious and puritanical teachings/preachings we’ve heard will frown upon these things to the extent that noserings/tattoos/dreads etc are atop the list of the mental image many of our old folks have of bad boys/girls.

• People in relationships must realize that as far as parents are concerned, half of adulting is convincing our parents to trust our judgments. This cannot be done while refusing to have the occasional difficult conversation.
• What motive do you have for sticking to your guns? Is it because you’ve surmised that if you were to lead with falsehood, and I use the term lightly here, you will have to continue lying to keep up appearances?
• Is it because people must take you as you are? Mia san mia, and all that?
• Is it because you’ll seem weak if you cannot stand your ground?
• Is it a combination of some, or in fact, all these?

UNEMOTIONAL VERDICT

“Directness and honesty may give you relief, but they also stir up antagonism.”

Adulthood comes with annoying problems that we cannot wish away. One of these is the concept of adjudication. You will always be judged! That will always be the case and there’s precious little you can do about it than to make these judgments favour you. If, truly, you’re about to head to the home of the one you love, you will (un)consciously accentuate/tweak some aspects of you in order to be favourably judged. While you cannot live your life seeking validation from every idiot who can form an opinion, you realistically cannot actively seek out censure. In a list of things that aren’t important at all, this is one of the most important of the lot. I wouldn’t throw away the chance of being with my love away so casually.

Trust me, I would rather go anywhere, to see anyone, in shorts and teeshirts whilst chewing gum because, on an average day, na me be that. But first impressions do matter an awful lot, particularly with people as important as in-laws. Surely, you don’t believe the "never judge a book by its cover" saying. People will judge you by what they see, and for the most part, they like a good front. Maybe you should give them one.

On the other hand, as much as people-pleasing is not a solid tactic to live by, reducing your essence by living just to prove a point is equally deplorable. Having a huge chip on your shoulder where you feel slighted at the slightest slight (sorry) and feel compelled to make a point is not endearing at all. If you feel so strongly about the particular issue, and have consequentially extrapolated that singular event to broader issues, then stick with your principles by all means. But if you’re doing it in spite of what your common sense is telling you, tor! Standing for something is cute, but falling for nothing is dumb.

You must be tactful. The best battles are the ones won without visibly fighting. Our societal values over here are based on optics and just as Robert Greene said in the quote above, the temptation to always be honest, explicit, direct and upfront might seem ideal, but history has shown us that people who got things done compromised on the trifles and mixed things up. You’re not lying. You’re just sidestepping a potential banana peel to focus on the important stuff.

Knowing that most of our people begin to judge your omoluabiship by what they see and not necessarily the stuff you’re made of is ace. Hopefully our generation can have a 3-D approach to viewing these things. More than the nosering non-issue, just delay your handshake for a bit and you won’t pay a dime for the bottles they keep sending to your table because, apparently, you’re an omoluabi.

People will judge your book by its cover and thankfully, this is something you already know. What cover are you putting on your book?

**Do you agree with any part of the passage? Do you disagree with any point? Let me know if you have time.

CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)

on FRIENDZONE

In my neighborhood in Ilorin, we have not had NEPA light for two weeks. Being one for getting to my house late, I didn’t even notice this disheartening trend until one Saturday morning where I saw an ad hoc taskforce going round affected houses to tell us we had to pay N3,000 each in order to replace some armored cables stolen from our transformer. **insert joke about our country here

I will resist the urge to start a “stealing is bad” lecture just because I can’t quite look past the idea of someone stealing something as hefty as that, at the huge risk of getting caught when you can just steal an iPhone and make double the amount. Instead, you know I always come on here to pen whatever facet of life I have seemingly figured out. This is about the psychological working principles of friendzoning.

In the days that followed this ugly knowledge, I came to terms with the feelings of hopelessness – and it’s only fair that I extrapolate this tale to that of a most unfortunate realm in the multiverse of heterosexual relationships which is popularly known as FRIENDZONE. Now, I once asked on Twitter the criteria which one must clear before having the qualifications to talk about these things, but there was never a concrete answer. I have since concluded that whatever these arbitrary terms are, I have clearance to do so.

Urban dictionary aptly defines a friendzone as “a particularly aggravating metaphorical place that people end up in when someone they are interested in only wants to be friends.” Particularly aggravating made me laugh. Let me tell you I have been on both the receiving and the giving end of this zoning. I once went with a friend to her church where her pastor, on spotting me, asked her, “Is he sleeping with you?” She said I wasn’t. He pressed further; “Well, is he planning to?”

A few seconds passed and I calmly asked “Well, what did you tell him?” “No,” She said she said. Ouch. I had been friendzoned!! The answer she gave led to some introspection on my end and I had two conclusions:

1)   Two adults can be ‘just’ friends with none of them nursing feelings for each other.

2)   Two adults can be ‘just’ friends where one of them harbors feelings for the other.

Naturally, when a smitten person who expressly communicates a desire for more than just friendship is consigned to the friendzone, they tend to feel bad. Often, it’s a slippery slope of unrequited love you’re trying to climb with shoes that don’t have the spikes of hope. To that, I say you are on your own. God help you.

However, when the feeling is simmering beneath the surface and is not yet acknowledged or recognized, let alone communicated, it’s better left undiscussed. This is because you might not leave your house for three weeks and there will be no problem whatsoever. Let them put you under house arrest for a week, and you will be sad and uncomfortable. That is how friendzoning works. Amean, I don’t even want to fuck you – or add another girlfriend yet, but don’t explicitly close that window to me.

I once visited a court with large Victorian windows that afforded me the sobering opportunity of seeing young people like myself brought out from a Black Maria, and brought before the judge in handcuffs. That image has never left me. All through the proceedings, all I could only think “wow, so this one will not even be able to take an ordinary walk when he wants it.”

There is a level of helplessness that comes with the knowledge that your wire has been stolen. You don't plug your phone overnight. You don't even bother to switch the fan on; because you know there will be no light. When the option of doing something is taken away from you, there’s a sad feeling. Not that you want to do anything before o, but knowing that if you ever wanted to do something, you still retained the option? That feeling is comforting.

I hope we’ve established the relationship between freedom and the unseemly menace that is friendzoning. Like Robin (who was notorious for never wanting to have kids) told Lily after being clinically declared unable to have kids in a lovely episode of HIMYM: "it's one thing not to want something, it's another to be told you can't have it."

When I figure out the mentality behind another of life’s many crazinesses, I’ll be back. Until then..

CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)