#YECO4: A NARRATIVE FORENSIC ANALYSIS

“If it is a miracle you seek, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a fact, proof is necessary.”

---Mark Twain

--All the fuck/fucking in this story are mine, And OAA’s.

Late last year, or early this (these days are confusingly welded into each other), I mailed Otunba Akin Alabi (OAA) and he forwarded me 63 pages of his book “Small Business, Big Money”. Weeks later, I got a mail that asked me to register for the 4th edition of his annual Youth Enterprise Conference. For free! Am I mad? I did.

Being a teacher, the event was beautifully timed to coincide with my school’s vacation – but I had a gig that occupied me till late in the afternoon. The usual safe bus parks didn’t have Lagos buses anymore; so I went to Sawmill and got in a car. The girl beside me wore a sleeveless shirt and anytime she opened her armpit, it smelled like I was in a poultry. Sha, I left Ilorin for Lagos at 5:30 pm and this is the beginning of my story.

With “I Love Lagos” on repeat, the journey went smoothly until we got to Ibadan where we met an ungodly holdup bordering on a stand-still – occasioned by general incorrectitude that had cars facing themselves on narrow roads. That was how one useless Ibadan boy wanted to take all 3 points from me after walking past and seeing my head on the window.

I got to Lagos minutes to one am and there was no bus to my neighbourhood anymore, so my friend called me an Uber in the rain. I sha didn’t die. I exchanged gist with my friend till 2, worked on the computer till 4am before sleep claimed me.

**MORNING AFTER

On Friday (30/03/2018), morning of the event, my friend was still receiving and making calls; directing and supervising the restoration of down sites. So I got out, bought toothbrush across the street, made tea, chatted with my women and with my shoe still wet, I wore my friend’s sneakers and left for Eko Hotels. Such a massive beast that place is.

THE BEGINNING

After a gentle procession from the gate to the venue, everyone got tags and a copy of Toyin Omotoso’s “WHERE THE MONEY IS TODAY (and how to get it)”. I entered the hall and with the lower part full, I made my way up to the gallery up top and found a seat with a full view of the stage. The first negative thing was that 2 boys sandwiched me. Mahn! Of all the women in attendance o.

At about 10:15am, the MC started us off with on-the-spot jokes that had me tearing up. He told people to “signify if we helped you and your business (with N100,000) last year”. One man came on stage and the MC put an arm on his shoulder while sighing deeply. After several seconds of inspection, the MC said “you sure say we help you like this?”

The mood was right. The music was nice. I think Omojuwa was the first panelist/speaker to come. Then OAA came, danced and invited some of the beneficiaries of the N5million largesse of the last edition to speak. It made sense.

Then spirits were raised further as 2 people who came that came from the farthest place and had proof of their bus tickets had their transport fare returned, got booked into rooms at Eko Hotels, dashed flight tickets back to Sokoto and were gifted N100,000 each. I clapped, but jealousy brought a tear to my eye. Ilorin is right beside Sokoto for fuck’s sake…

OAA spoke for a bit about one of the basic premises of his book: differentiating what people want from what they need. Then someone complained about not hearing OAA properly before he replied: “sorry, money has blocked my throat”. I laughed and that was the first time I noticed the guy on my left hissed. 
It wouldn’t be the last.

The first speaker was the co-founder of Paystack, Shola Akinlade. After his speech about the humble beginnings of his company, some people asked how they could find investors to their thing. He cleverly quipped that “the work of an investor is to look for businesses to invest in while the work of a founder, while selectively, occasionally pitching his businesses to the right investors, is to first of all, focus on building the fucking business.” If you’re good, they’ll find you.

The fucking part is mine, obviously. I like him. He had a weird laugh.

2. DESMOND OLUSHOLA ELLIOT: Odikwa very eloquent. He stayed on the theme. There were anecdotes about his early career and his meetings with Clem Ohameze and Kanayo O. Kanayo who remarked after Desmond went to his office and saw many people loitering for auditions: “that’s where you’ll start; FROM SCRATCH”

There was a funny bit I particularly related to where his mother told him “Shola, you’ll go out in the morning, you’ll come back in the evening. No film. No money.”

He narrated how he turned that into an encouragement and turned A-list; after which he went to another African country where 70% of the movies showing had him in them. That was when he decided to evolve and make films himself. He beautifully concluded his session by canvassing youth to NOT hide behind narratives and get involved in politics and stuff. It’s very unlikely in any phase of life that you’ll start at the top.

**OAA took the mic and invited Asiri-comedy who did a, erm, difficult practical comic simulating 6 people in a bus; where all are badly pressed but only one of them abandons tushness and shouts. The driver stops. The lesson is in there somewhere.

PANEL TIME (The Line-Up)

·        Ubi Franklin

·        Japheth Omojuwa

·        DJ Cuppy

·        Biola Kazeem

It was at this point that Ubi Franklin and his ungodly tableeq trouser got an award from OAA. During, and after his emotive speech, he talked about being a PA to Julius Agwu for two years, freelancing with other artistes, dreaming about owning record labels, getting bounced at events with Iyanya and all.

His submission?  There must be a process.

I was pleasantly surprised at his depth.

DJ CUPPY: “How do you cope with constant referrals to your dad about your brand?”

**I’m mostly paraphrasing here but here goes: …I work very, very, very (that’s my crush speaking, of course I counted). I’ve been deejaying for years and yes, my father’s name can open doors; but my skill will ultimately keep me there. I have two degrees, I’m well educated. Being my father’s daughter is not a career path. It’s not a role in life…

…I’m for someone seeing Mr. Otedola and saying: “Oh look, DJ Cuppy’s dad.”**

(The guy to my left was just hissing at everything she had to say)

Isn’t that what we all hope for? For our stars to shine so bright our parents will become functions of us? “Oh, don’t you know that woman? That’s Captaincue’s mom…”

Masha-Allah.

J.J. OMOJUWA: “How can critical thinking be employed in the current Nigerian society…”

“Legitimacy,” he said, before going on to explain the point. Secondly, he talked about how there must be proof of your ability before concluding by saying “get everything that needs to be gotten before you get to the next level…”

I thought he was succinct and logical. The guy on my left hissed all through.

BIOLA KAZEEM: “Starting from scratch. Having  Nothing. Nothing at all. How the fuck does one do it?”

I’ll condense his thoughts into bulletpoints:

•  The world is never going to give you permission (to start). Get the fuck out of where you are and get going…
• You might be poor money-wise, but you have persistence and perseverance and consistency. You can’t be stopped
• It’s probably easiest when you’re just starting (because you have nothing to lose), so ready your mind
• There has never been a better time to learn something (Youtube & Interweb), or waste your time
• GOAN DO WHAT YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO DO

***Akin Alabi said to just fucking do it, before adding that apology is better than permission.

I’ve forgotten the questions this time but Ubi Franklin quipped that it’s very important to “build relationships with *relevant* people”, before DJ Cuppy was asked about the challenges of being a female DJ.

She said she has always kicked doors down, (the guy beside me hissed) before saying “if you really, really want to achieve your goals, you must make sacrifices.”

**It was at this point that the guy beside me abruptly stood up and I became worried he would run to the stage and physically assault Omojuwa, Cuppy and all the rich people in the hall. I was relieved when he went into the restroom. To douse his face with water before looking into the mirror, maniacally punching the wall and readjusting his shirt on his way back.

The first panel session ended and akin Alabi awarded a hundred thousand Naira each to 50 of those with registered businesses that applied for the grant. It made sense. With that, the remarkable Mary Njoku and her husband (who??) came in. Mary Njoku; in a short yellow dress, slippers and a painful-looking limp and her husband spotting a ROK t-shirt over joggers, slippers and a yooj frame. Annoyingly simple smh. The guy on my left hissed and inquired who they were when he saw Akin Alabi welcome them himself.

“That’s Jason Njoku and Mary Njoku,” before I added that they were very rich just to add a thin layer of pepper to his open wound.

The lone presentations resumed and Adewale Yusuf, founder of Techpoint spoke. He started as a security guard upon moving to Lagos after secondary school. He went on to say you must dream and read a lot to improve and change self for better. Honestly, I felt he was kind of verbose, but I chuck it down to being emotional about growth and topics like the theme of the event. He took soooooooo much time, but after his submission, of course I learnt from him.

(Thinking about it now, I think my verdict might have been a result of a hungry stomach)

Then Richard Something of Pulse.ng took the floor. The accent, Jesus Christ! I was squinting real hard to hear him. Something about arriving Cameroon, buying laptops, selling laptops, three weeks. That’s the last thing I heard until he started dropping gems like:

• Always hire people smarter than you. Hire them, then get out of their way.
• Never pursue a single solution to a problem; solve a problem so it doesn’t arise again.
• Nobody’s going to hand you solutions to your problems. If you want anything in life, fight for it and get it.

**After Richard’s submission, OAA called for questions for Richard and the mad MC made a joke about “Make we no lie ourself. Nobody hear wetin hin talk.” Ba? One guy sha didn’t hear word. He came out and asked “how do you turn off your social media,” when Richard had only said to “ignore social media sometimes and get work done”

TOOLZ: Ah. Subhanallahi!! Let’s focus on less important things and discuss what she said (she originally prepared a slide, but thankfully had mercy on our stomachs)

I’ll list her points:

1. Nobody owes you anything.
2. Be fully accountable for your future/career
3. Whilst gathering experience (by volunteering – if need be) in your field, you must find a way to stand out
4. Work weekends. Just work (are you mad?). Na me add that one
5. “Be mindful of the people around you. People with defeatist mentalities are bad for you. People that bring positivity are a must”
6. Cut out procrastination.
7. Information is key 
8. You don’t have to have an accent to make it on radio/tv. It’s about how you engage people. Speak well. The thing about accents is that if you’re faking it, you put so much effort into keeping it up and consequently ignore the most important parts of your job.
9. You need to be authentic.

Toolz, and her stupefying figure walked off the stage and the entire hall became a bit less bright.

***my guy was steady hissing like snake

**There were awards for successful young entrepreneurs under the following classes:

1. Quilox (Shina Peller): Nightlife

2. J.J. Omojuwa: New media

3. Mark Essien (I was gutted he wasn’t present): Tech, of course.

Shola Akinlade of Paystack as well as Mary Njoku who thanked her team and, in her words, not mine: “my KingKong, my Halo, my everything…” Ba? Tears welled up inna mi eyes at this point. The most romantic description I’ve had from any woman is “good morning, my handsome sex machine”. Sha, Mary Njoku  limped off the stage. King Kong had konged something subhanallahi. Jason Njoku won the award for being the overall young entrepreneur of the year. The slipper-wearing serial-investor dedicated his award to “God, my wife, my kids.”

Rich people smh.

***my guy took his folder, hissed for a final time and left. I’ll never be 100% sure of the reasons for his disposition, but if you have gripes with rich people, why would you go to a place where lots of them will be speaking? We poor people need to get over ourselves sometimes.

OAA convened a final session; with Biola Kazeem, Jason Njoku, J.J. Omojuwa and Olashile Abayomi (the soup-a-market lady) on the panel. They kept dropping gems to questions like “Cue is just starting out, and has no money at all. How the fuck should he do it?”. Jason Njoku and Biola Kazeem tackled that one.

Then someone sent in a question asking Omojuwa “how to be influential like you”. He spoke at length. What do you want to be influential about? People want value. They want entertainment, fun and education. Also, you must be able to evolve after momentary success to remain at the top of the pyramid. Then he played around with words by saying “there are photographers and there are influencers on photography. There are fashionistas and there are influencers on fashionisting…”

That one made me smile.

Soup-a-market was asked HOW?? She regaled us with an emotive story on her journey and kept mentioning God; which was beautiful. It was. Her inability to pronounce R amused me. It was a proper grass to grace story.

OAA himself answered a question as to how he combined so many things successfully. He said, and I’m not quoting here: you delegate to your support cast, allow people fail…

Then a funny thing happened. Someone directed a question at Jeffrey njoku asking: “How do you get successful in a business if you don’t have the support of your wife?”

**the MC said “Don’t bring family problem here o,” and I laughed despite myself.

Jason Njoku told his story; of how his girlfriend (now wife) used to see him working before she slept, and still wake to see him still working. Of course she believed in his hustle. Biola Kazeem probably had the more accurate answer after he quipped: “maybe you’re truly just not good enough”

Akin Alabi chipped in with “you can get away with a bad product but never with a customer service.” Jason Njoku responded to a question by saying he dedicated nothing less than 100hours a week to his work and lived in his mother’s house till he was 30 (though I will need to confirm that last bit because there was a lot of noise around me at the time).

LAST WORDS:

Soup-a-market: Put God first, have a positive mindset, be very fucking consistent

J.J. Omojuwa: I have never seen anyone that is persistent that has failed. Keep going. Don’t stop. If you don’t stop, nobody can stop you.

Biola Kazeem: Inspiration is good, perspiration is better though. Work like fuck. That’s what you signed up for.

Jeffrey Njoku: ……………….said something brilliant

Otunba Akin Alabi: “Whatever you want to do, get up now and do it. I think Richard Branson said ‘just do it,’ so I’m going to add one word to it. JUST FUCKING DO IT.”

Captaincue’s verdict:

As many speakers at the event remarked, #YECO4 was probably the biggest gathering of enthusiastic youth at a an event that doesn’t involve sports, politics or entertainment. I would have a word about the millions of naira, time and effort Otunba Akin Alabi must have spent to put together a (completely free) programme of this magnitude, but that is his own personal problem (ah).

I read like mad. I have widened the depth of my knowledge (ah) for years, and upon signing up for this program, there was a tiny part of me hoping to God that all these rich people will tell us there is a way that you’ll pray and miracles will happen. They didn’t tell us that. So they reiterated facts about the tact, cunning, persistence, excellence and all other ingredients that will make you harness the brief, miserable resources providence has cursed you with, and BE more than the sum of their parts.

In the end, that’s all that counts. Kudos all around.

CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)