ABIDEEN. A Nigerian Erotica (Part 1)

You people know one of my jobs is teaching ba? For real 😊. I had time last night & an idea struck me. "Cue, why not create an Ilorin-centric character & write about his sex life? An erotica of sorts." So I did & now you'll suffer the consequences of my action by reading this. THIS all started as a Twitter thread. Now that it's all done, I have decided to condense it into a blogpost. Enjoy:

 

Without doubt, the worst kinds of Alfas in this our Ilorin are those ones with Yoruba names. "Alfa Toyin, Alfa Debọ, Alfa Kehinde, Alfa Tunde, Alfa Lekan." I'm not like them, because my name is Abideen & I'm not your regular run-of-the-mill Alfa. My parents gave me birth in Lagos, and like every true Lagosian, I grew up a belligerent egomaniac. After many petty wahalas I brought to my family growing up, things got to a head when I scored 199 in the OAU post-UME & I channeled my frustrations into chasing women..

I had no illusions about my nondescript looks, but one of the the girls I paid for sex in Lagos once commented that my penis was not regular, and that fueled my confidence. Sha, that's how one day, a girl was diagnosed with unwanted pregnancy on our Sokoya street in Oworo. Rumours started to fly as to the identity of the father. Without research, I knew 4 other older men that also marked her register. People knew this thing & my name was being mentioned too -- my parents heard! Thankfully, one of the men claimed the pregnancy, but deep down, I knew that was the first of my 11 children I had agreed upon with my God. My parents had had it up to here & they sent me to goan live with an ex-student of my mother who was an Alfa that ran a boarding Ile-Kewu in Ilorin. They wanted me to get disciplined. Hehe

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 ILORIN. Land of Alfas. The year was 2014, and having once watched Frank Nweke Jnr. speak, I invested the time that I didn't use in preparing for Jamb in reading books & watching films to broaden my vocabulary. Everyone accorded me with disrespect until I started exerting myself in the Ile-Kewu. First: by writing Alfa's essays for his diploma program in KwaraPoly. Then I started coaching his little children English lessons. After 6months, my food started having two meats.

The first time I saw Abọlọrẹ, I didn't think much of her. She was annoyingly short & she came with her parents to register as a non-boarder in our Ile-Kewu. For some reason, I've always preferred older women; probably because they'll know what to do with mistake-pregnancy. When Abọlọrẹ handed me her form for filing, I saw she was 17months older than & was seeking admission too. I can't even remember exactly how we bonded, but 2 weeks into knowing her, the lady had introduced me to the legendary lewd flirting of Ilorin women.

Being under the tutelage and supervision of a strict Alfa, I had not touched a woman for 7months & this led to severe breakouts on my face due to the excessive sperm in my body. I knew if I made the mistake of pressing those pimples on my face at the time, sperm would come out...

But I observe my 5 daily solat regularly & God does not forsake his own. One Thursday, Alfa had a function & in the evening, I was walking Abọlọrẹ to the junction when an Okada came too close & I had to dodge. That was when my arm brushed her breast & I apologized. She laughed it off, looked at my crotch & reamrked in that ghastly Ilorin Yoruba: "Olosi, maybe he's having an erection like that o"

Ah. Me.

I was an ardent reader & having read the laws of power, the 28th law flashed right before my eyes: ENTER ACTION WITH BOLDNESS

Abọlọrẹ had thrown the gauntlet. I just had to up the ante of our usual flirting. So I surprised myself by saying "I will have an erection and my trouser will still be touching ground?" She hmmd. I laughed. Our eyes briefly locked & I knew àgbákò was about to happen.

As we came to a dark corner on a deserted street, NEPA took light. I wanted to high-five God walahi. I knew nothing would happen if I didn't close the gap, and so I did. My penis was aching. After hesitating for a few seconds, she stood on the tips of her toes & brought her head close to mine. We kissed. It was dry at first. As a good Muslim, God knows I'm gentle. But when a sister makes the first move like that, I'm sure our sins will be recorded in her books. I slid my sweaty left palm across her right cheek & held her neck...

Then I stooped (God I hate short women) & kissed her this time. It was steamy & involved too much spittle for my liking. But I was 20 & learning the ropes. I didn't know if I had the carte-blanche to touch yet, so I stylishly rested both elbow on her breasts. She didn't react.

**Lookat God.

I felt a hardness come up against my elbows & knew I was doing something right. I slid my hand down her side and just as I touched her ass, I heard an Okada coming. I broke off the kiss & comported myself. We both laughed, I stopped the bike & she left...

With a sordid erection threatening to burst through my jeans, I went home with the sad knowledge that there would be no Ile-Kewu on Friday & I wouldn't see Abọlọrẹ. God works in mysterious ways walahi. The following day, at 7pm, Alfa handed me a potion & described her house.

When I got to there, Abọlọrẹ & her mother came to open the gate. I wished her couch-ridden dad a quick recovery & relayed the usage of the potion. Her mum gave me N500 & told Abọlọrẹ to escort me & lock the gate on her way back. Abọlọrẹ casually flicked a switch & the security light at their gate; just beside their well went off.

Kasa! You'll just know some proactive girls that will make it in life! She wore a gown & that was d first time I deduced that gowns>>>bumshort when it comes to quickies

Guy! We rushed each other like wild animals against the fence & picked things up from where we left them off o. Darkness is good -- I don't know why Nigerians insist on having light smh. I removed her hijab & I cupped her right breast. I struggled badly with unclasping her bra. I gave up and pushed the thing up instead. The breast came down & I undid the zip at the back of her gown before slipping them off her shoulders. I still had to make Ishai, so intricacies were abandoned. I stooped her went straight for a nipple.

I immediately felt silt in my mouth. Definitely, that bra had been cupping those breasts for at least two days, but personal hygiene took a second seat to my proverbial need to cum. I bit on her nipple and she reached for my akube joggers

**Lookat God 😊

She was crude. And straight to the point. She dipped her hand inside the band of my boxers, wrapped her tender fingers around my penis and clumsily attempted to bring it out. I screamed when the head painfully scraped my boxers. She said "ah" & I smiled..

I pulled both joggers & boxers half-way to my knees before my penis sprang free. The breeze was blissful. Abọlọrẹ spoke English. Ilorin women don't speak English unless they're intimidated by something 😲.

"Do you have condom?" 

I shook my head & she didn't seem to mind...

I recited Kursiyyu for protection from STDs while laying her hijab on the lid of the well. Now naked, Abọlọrẹ sat on the makeshift mattress as her legs dangled a few inches from the floor. With ample experience, I picked up a leg, held my dick & probed for an opening...

I quickly found it and just as I slowly slid in, she lifted her back off the lid of the well and wrapped her short legs around my naked butt as I went fully into her warm, slippery pussy. I started pumping & she was meeting me half-way. What insolence!

I had heard in a Lagos beer parlour that if you don't fuck women of nowadays well enough the first time, it'll be difficult to have a second chance. Sex was about power & dominion at that stage of my life. So I jerked harder & I felt her grip loosening with every thrust..

Eventually, her legs fell off my butt. I instinctively grabbed her right leg and put it on my shoulder. She adjusted her position. With her elbow propping her up on the well, I found her pussy again & playfully stroked her pussy.  Her neighbour's generator didn't let me hear sounds. She was repeatedly slamming her palm into the lid of the well; a-la Sammy Kuffour style in the 99 champions league final.

The neighbour's generator notwithstanding, I heard some sounds & it was not moaning. She made seething sounds through the clenched teeth. Ah. Due to my history with prostitutes in Lagos, I'd learned how to hold out for long. So I slowed my pace & pulled out of her. Her limbs seemed to be particularly weak.

Still, I put her gown on the floor & she knelt facing me. I gently flipped her around and she put her palms on d floor. That made the angle awkward. About three-quarters of my penis was covered in gooey fluid. Due to the darkness, I erroneously put my penis at her rectum & she recoiled in horror. I quickly apologized she went back in position before reaching from underneath her to guide me in. My God will bless this girl!

I knelt down properly on the sandy floor & firmly grabbed her hips. From the little experience I had, I knew that Nigerian women cannot convincingly handle hardcore doggie. As a good and considerate Muslim, I started slowly before the pace increased. Every fibre of frustration from my inability to secure admission went into every thrust and when I looked down again, she was now on her elbows and presented me a better angle. She arched her back & said something I didn't hear.

A light came from my phone & I saw  Alfa's name..

...I ignored the call, but knew it was time to cum. I slowed down the thrusting and transitioned to the long, deep ones. I groaned as I spurted into her and my eyes cleared.

No words were spoken as we quietly got dressed.

I realized the stupidity of releasing inside her, but I had a peculiar relationship with God & I prayed to him not to let my sperm be fertile for 4 years because I just don't like using condoms. Alfa called again & I told him getting bike was difficult

Abọlọrẹ kissed me. As I made my way home, I looked back and saw her limping to her house. **Alhamdulillah

Now I could rest easy. She had seen the sweat of my brows, the strength of my back, felt the intensity of my thrusting & she knew what I could do. An encore would be easy.

When I got home, Alfa instructed me to call the Ishai prayer and that was when I realized I was spent too. My voice was all shaky and at the back of the reservoir, I quickly used half a sachet of purewater to do my janaba, before performing ablution & joining Ishai prayers...

I was on my bed later that night when I got Abọlọrẹ's text: "Tenx for d fuckin". From her text, it was sure she was destined for KwaraPoly. I looked down at my dick, looked up at God & replied her "Let's just be thanking God."

That was the beginning of my Ilorin misdeeds.

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Thank you. Please remember, the above is 100% fiction. 100%.

Still, I just thought to play around with this Abideen character.  Should he become a thing?

I don't just write for fun o; I create stuff for money too. Reviews, Articles, Lists etc. I have a one-man writing agency that I run out of Ilorin. I'm scary good at combining ordinary words to devastating effect. Frighteningly good!

CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)

#YECO4: A NARRATIVE FORENSIC ANALYSIS

“If it is a miracle you seek, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a fact, proof is necessary.”

---Mark Twain

--All the fuck/fucking in this story are mine, And OAA’s.

Late last year, or early this (these days are confusingly welded into each other), I mailed Otunba Akin Alabi (OAA) and he forwarded me 63 pages of his book “Small Business, Big Money”. Weeks later, I got a mail that asked me to register for the 4th edition of his annual Youth Enterprise Conference. For free! Am I mad? I did.

Being a teacher, the event was beautifully timed to coincide with my school’s vacation – but I had a gig that occupied me till late in the afternoon. The usual safe bus parks didn’t have Lagos buses anymore; so I went to Sawmill and got in a car. The girl beside me wore a sleeveless shirt and anytime she opened her armpit, it smelled like I was in a poultry. Sha, I left Ilorin for Lagos at 5:30 pm and this is the beginning of my story.

With “I Love Lagos” on repeat, the journey went smoothly until we got to Ibadan where we met an ungodly holdup bordering on a stand-still – occasioned by general incorrectitude that had cars facing themselves on narrow roads. That was how one useless Ibadan boy wanted to take all 3 points from me after walking past and seeing my head on the window.

I got to Lagos minutes to one am and there was no bus to my neighbourhood anymore, so my friend called me an Uber in the rain. I sha didn’t die. I exchanged gist with my friend till 2, worked on the computer till 4am before sleep claimed me.

**MORNING AFTER

On Friday (30/03/2018), morning of the event, my friend was still receiving and making calls; directing and supervising the restoration of down sites. So I got out, bought toothbrush across the street, made tea, chatted with my women and with my shoe still wet, I wore my friend’s sneakers and left for Eko Hotels. Such a massive beast that place is.

THE BEGINNING

After a gentle procession from the gate to the venue, everyone got tags and a copy of Toyin Omotoso’s “WHERE THE MONEY IS TODAY (and how to get it)”. I entered the hall and with the lower part full, I made my way up to the gallery up top and found a seat with a full view of the stage. The first negative thing was that 2 boys sandwiched me. Mahn! Of all the women in attendance o.

At about 10:15am, the MC started us off with on-the-spot jokes that had me tearing up. He told people to “signify if we helped you and your business (with N100,000) last year”. One man came on stage and the MC put an arm on his shoulder while sighing deeply. After several seconds of inspection, the MC said “you sure say we help you like this?”

The mood was right. The music was nice. I think Omojuwa was the first panelist/speaker to come. Then OAA came, danced and invited some of the beneficiaries of the N5million largesse of the last edition to speak. It made sense.

Then spirits were raised further as 2 people who came that came from the farthest place and had proof of their bus tickets had their transport fare returned, got booked into rooms at Eko Hotels, dashed flight tickets back to Sokoto and were gifted N100,000 each. I clapped, but jealousy brought a tear to my eye. Ilorin is right beside Sokoto for fuck’s sake…

OAA spoke for a bit about one of the basic premises of his book: differentiating what people want from what they need. Then someone complained about not hearing OAA properly before he replied: “sorry, money has blocked my throat”. I laughed and that was the first time I noticed the guy on my left hissed. 
It wouldn’t be the last.

The first speaker was the co-founder of Paystack, Shola Akinlade. After his speech about the humble beginnings of his company, some people asked how they could find investors to their thing. He cleverly quipped that “the work of an investor is to look for businesses to invest in while the work of a founder, while selectively, occasionally pitching his businesses to the right investors, is to first of all, focus on building the fucking business.” If you’re good, they’ll find you.

The fucking part is mine, obviously. I like him. He had a weird laugh.

2. DESMOND OLUSHOLA ELLIOT: Odikwa very eloquent. He stayed on the theme. There were anecdotes about his early career and his meetings with Clem Ohameze and Kanayo O. Kanayo who remarked after Desmond went to his office and saw many people loitering for auditions: “that’s where you’ll start; FROM SCRATCH”

There was a funny bit I particularly related to where his mother told him “Shola, you’ll go out in the morning, you’ll come back in the evening. No film. No money.”

He narrated how he turned that into an encouragement and turned A-list; after which he went to another African country where 70% of the movies showing had him in them. That was when he decided to evolve and make films himself. He beautifully concluded his session by canvassing youth to NOT hide behind narratives and get involved in politics and stuff. It’s very unlikely in any phase of life that you’ll start at the top.

**OAA took the mic and invited Asiri-comedy who did a, erm, difficult practical comic simulating 6 people in a bus; where all are badly pressed but only one of them abandons tushness and shouts. The driver stops. The lesson is in there somewhere.

PANEL TIME (The Line-Up)

·        Ubi Franklin

·        Japheth Omojuwa

·        DJ Cuppy

·        Biola Kazeem

It was at this point that Ubi Franklin and his ungodly tableeq trouser got an award from OAA. During, and after his emotive speech, he talked about being a PA to Julius Agwu for two years, freelancing with other artistes, dreaming about owning record labels, getting bounced at events with Iyanya and all.

His submission?  There must be a process.

I was pleasantly surprised at his depth.

DJ CUPPY: “How do you cope with constant referrals to your dad about your brand?”

**I’m mostly paraphrasing here but here goes: …I work very, very, very (that’s my crush speaking, of course I counted). I’ve been deejaying for years and yes, my father’s name can open doors; but my skill will ultimately keep me there. I have two degrees, I’m well educated. Being my father’s daughter is not a career path. It’s not a role in life…

…I’m for someone seeing Mr. Otedola and saying: “Oh look, DJ Cuppy’s dad.”**

(The guy to my left was just hissing at everything she had to say)

Isn’t that what we all hope for? For our stars to shine so bright our parents will become functions of us? “Oh, don’t you know that woman? That’s Captaincue’s mom…”

Masha-Allah.

J.J. OMOJUWA: “How can critical thinking be employed in the current Nigerian society…”

“Legitimacy,” he said, before going on to explain the point. Secondly, he talked about how there must be proof of your ability before concluding by saying “get everything that needs to be gotten before you get to the next level…”

I thought he was succinct and logical. The guy on my left hissed all through.

BIOLA KAZEEM: “Starting from scratch. Having  Nothing. Nothing at all. How the fuck does one do it?”

I’ll condense his thoughts into bulletpoints:

•  The world is never going to give you permission (to start). Get the fuck out of where you are and get going…
• You might be poor money-wise, but you have persistence and perseverance and consistency. You can’t be stopped
• It’s probably easiest when you’re just starting (because you have nothing to lose), so ready your mind
• There has never been a better time to learn something (Youtube & Interweb), or waste your time
• GOAN DO WHAT YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO DO

***Akin Alabi said to just fucking do it, before adding that apology is better than permission.

I’ve forgotten the questions this time but Ubi Franklin quipped that it’s very important to “build relationships with *relevant* people”, before DJ Cuppy was asked about the challenges of being a female DJ.

She said she has always kicked doors down, (the guy beside me hissed) before saying “if you really, really want to achieve your goals, you must make sacrifices.”

**It was at this point that the guy beside me abruptly stood up and I became worried he would run to the stage and physically assault Omojuwa, Cuppy and all the rich people in the hall. I was relieved when he went into the restroom. To douse his face with water before looking into the mirror, maniacally punching the wall and readjusting his shirt on his way back.

The first panel session ended and akin Alabi awarded a hundred thousand Naira each to 50 of those with registered businesses that applied for the grant. It made sense. With that, the remarkable Mary Njoku and her husband (who??) came in. Mary Njoku; in a short yellow dress, slippers and a painful-looking limp and her husband spotting a ROK t-shirt over joggers, slippers and a yooj frame. Annoyingly simple smh. The guy on my left hissed and inquired who they were when he saw Akin Alabi welcome them himself.

“That’s Jason Njoku and Mary Njoku,” before I added that they were very rich just to add a thin layer of pepper to his open wound.

The lone presentations resumed and Adewale Yusuf, founder of Techpoint spoke. He started as a security guard upon moving to Lagos after secondary school. He went on to say you must dream and read a lot to improve and change self for better. Honestly, I felt he was kind of verbose, but I chuck it down to being emotional about growth and topics like the theme of the event. He took soooooooo much time, but after his submission, of course I learnt from him.

(Thinking about it now, I think my verdict might have been a result of a hungry stomach)

Then Richard Something of Pulse.ng took the floor. The accent, Jesus Christ! I was squinting real hard to hear him. Something about arriving Cameroon, buying laptops, selling laptops, three weeks. That’s the last thing I heard until he started dropping gems like:

• Always hire people smarter than you. Hire them, then get out of their way.
• Never pursue a single solution to a problem; solve a problem so it doesn’t arise again.
• Nobody’s going to hand you solutions to your problems. If you want anything in life, fight for it and get it.

**After Richard’s submission, OAA called for questions for Richard and the mad MC made a joke about “Make we no lie ourself. Nobody hear wetin hin talk.” Ba? One guy sha didn’t hear word. He came out and asked “how do you turn off your social media,” when Richard had only said to “ignore social media sometimes and get work done”

TOOLZ: Ah. Subhanallahi!! Let’s focus on less important things and discuss what she said (she originally prepared a slide, but thankfully had mercy on our stomachs)

I’ll list her points:

1. Nobody owes you anything.
2. Be fully accountable for your future/career
3. Whilst gathering experience (by volunteering – if need be) in your field, you must find a way to stand out
4. Work weekends. Just work (are you mad?). Na me add that one
5. “Be mindful of the people around you. People with defeatist mentalities are bad for you. People that bring positivity are a must”
6. Cut out procrastination.
7. Information is key 
8. You don’t have to have an accent to make it on radio/tv. It’s about how you engage people. Speak well. The thing about accents is that if you’re faking it, you put so much effort into keeping it up and consequently ignore the most important parts of your job.
9. You need to be authentic.

Toolz, and her stupefying figure walked off the stage and the entire hall became a bit less bright.

***my guy was steady hissing like snake

**There were awards for successful young entrepreneurs under the following classes:

1. Quilox (Shina Peller): Nightlife

2. J.J. Omojuwa: New media

3. Mark Essien (I was gutted he wasn’t present): Tech, of course.

Shola Akinlade of Paystack as well as Mary Njoku who thanked her team and, in her words, not mine: “my KingKong, my Halo, my everything…” Ba? Tears welled up inna mi eyes at this point. The most romantic description I’ve had from any woman is “good morning, my handsome sex machine”. Sha, Mary Njoku  limped off the stage. King Kong had konged something subhanallahi. Jason Njoku won the award for being the overall young entrepreneur of the year. The slipper-wearing serial-investor dedicated his award to “God, my wife, my kids.”

Rich people smh.

***my guy took his folder, hissed for a final time and left. I’ll never be 100% sure of the reasons for his disposition, but if you have gripes with rich people, why would you go to a place where lots of them will be speaking? We poor people need to get over ourselves sometimes.

OAA convened a final session; with Biola Kazeem, Jason Njoku, J.J. Omojuwa and Olashile Abayomi (the soup-a-market lady) on the panel. They kept dropping gems to questions like “Cue is just starting out, and has no money at all. How the fuck should he do it?”. Jason Njoku and Biola Kazeem tackled that one.

Then someone sent in a question asking Omojuwa “how to be influential like you”. He spoke at length. What do you want to be influential about? People want value. They want entertainment, fun and education. Also, you must be able to evolve after momentary success to remain at the top of the pyramid. Then he played around with words by saying “there are photographers and there are influencers on photography. There are fashionistas and there are influencers on fashionisting…”

That one made me smile.

Soup-a-market was asked HOW?? She regaled us with an emotive story on her journey and kept mentioning God; which was beautiful. It was. Her inability to pronounce R amused me. It was a proper grass to grace story.

OAA himself answered a question as to how he combined so many things successfully. He said, and I’m not quoting here: you delegate to your support cast, allow people fail…

Then a funny thing happened. Someone directed a question at Jeffrey njoku asking: “How do you get successful in a business if you don’t have the support of your wife?”

**the MC said “Don’t bring family problem here o,” and I laughed despite myself.

Jason Njoku told his story; of how his girlfriend (now wife) used to see him working before she slept, and still wake to see him still working. Of course she believed in his hustle. Biola Kazeem probably had the more accurate answer after he quipped: “maybe you’re truly just not good enough”

Akin Alabi chipped in with “you can get away with a bad product but never with a customer service.” Jason Njoku responded to a question by saying he dedicated nothing less than 100hours a week to his work and lived in his mother’s house till he was 30 (though I will need to confirm that last bit because there was a lot of noise around me at the time).

LAST WORDS:

Soup-a-market: Put God first, have a positive mindset, be very fucking consistent

J.J. Omojuwa: I have never seen anyone that is persistent that has failed. Keep going. Don’t stop. If you don’t stop, nobody can stop you.

Biola Kazeem: Inspiration is good, perspiration is better though. Work like fuck. That’s what you signed up for.

Jeffrey Njoku: ……………….said something brilliant

Otunba Akin Alabi: “Whatever you want to do, get up now and do it. I think Richard Branson said ‘just do it,’ so I’m going to add one word to it. JUST FUCKING DO IT.”

Captaincue’s verdict:

As many speakers at the event remarked, #YECO4 was probably the biggest gathering of enthusiastic youth at a an event that doesn’t involve sports, politics or entertainment. I would have a word about the millions of naira, time and effort Otunba Akin Alabi must have spent to put together a (completely free) programme of this magnitude, but that is his own personal problem (ah).

I read like mad. I have widened the depth of my knowledge (ah) for years, and upon signing up for this program, there was a tiny part of me hoping to God that all these rich people will tell us there is a way that you’ll pray and miracles will happen. They didn’t tell us that. So they reiterated facts about the tact, cunning, persistence, excellence and all other ingredients that will make you harness the brief, miserable resources providence has cursed you with, and BE more than the sum of their parts.

In the end, that’s all that counts. Kudos all around.

CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)