TWITTER CONCOCTIONS (S01, E01) : Visiting In-laws

When you work a job that gives you enough money to be considered broke; as most Nigerians currently do, you will need timely distractions to dilute the rigours of a hard life as you look to breakaway; thus, Twitter - - a social medium that houses an unhealthy amount of braggadocio, indignation and ostensibility. In order to keep the anger, the debate and the fun alive; wild, imagined scenarios are cooked and tweeted. So we jump on it, not because we don’t know most of the stories are bullshit, but because (please insert your own reason here...)

Sha, I’m an Uncle; a Nigerian euphemism for teacher, and since we just vacated, I have some extra time on my hands. Plus, I am always, always, slightly inebriated (residual highness, mostly!), so I’m doing this. 

There have been two such debates in the past seven weeks. The first asked what you would do if you visit your woman’s house for the first time and saw her dad washing car. Ba? They added “...sweating profusely in the sun” to ramp up the drama. The second and most recent one is a thread about a guy who went to his woman’s house for the first time and after finishing his meal, gestured to his girlfriend to come clear the dishes. The thread-weaver said the girl’s folks think he will probably not make a good and respectful husband.
Those two topics trended and there was a wonderfully diverse range of responses. Me? I must say my own too.

Part One: To wash car or Not?
I wouldn’t be typing a lie when I say that some older Nigerians think respect is a 1-D concept. They consistently turn up their noses at the opinions of younger folks and have seemingly adopted the mindset that you must be accorded with subtle disregard UNTIL you convince them otherwise; guilty until proven innocent, as it were.

Now, take the pre-existing mindset described in the paragraph above, add the fact that any sane parent will be wary of his daughter bringing home an ungood person who will potentially end up taking the said daughter away; and you have a weird mix of studious scepticism and cautious optimism. I mean, save for myself and a few others, men tend to, mostly, be scum.

So, anyone going to a girl’s house to meet her folks will be dressed good and already thought about how to answer the ‘where are you from’, what do you do’ questions. However, when confronted with an impromptu scenario like seeing her father toiling under hot sun, the father might think what you do in such circumstance is a test of your character.

Part Two: To carry plate or not?
Ba? I have always had rich people problems. Drink a different water to the one I’m used to like this? I will have diarrhoea.
Grass touches me? My skin will start swelling.
Do small manual labour? Blisters abound.
I hope these are harbingers of a monied future. For now, let me fictionalize that guy’s circumstance:

“Not a million years ago, in 300level Paleontology class, our lecturer had just returned from an academic sojourn in France and realized that A is not for God and B is not for himself after seeing that being a good lecturer and a sadist ought to be mutually exclusive. He changed his teaching methods too and this entailed students making presentations. I prepared my slide, but when it was my turn, I had this embarrassing erection that just wouldn’t go down. I remember I wore a tight, cream-coloured chinos. Just before he called my name, I told him someone should go before me that I needed a couple of minutes to correct some things. He was visibly quizzical, but he agreed to my request.”

“Now that I’ve written this long story, I have to extrapolate to my current situation. That thread saddened me when I saw it. I am in my late twenties and seriousness was never my strong suit. My relationships with my women were always mechanical and once shit was past the ‘oya come over, I’m horny’ phase, I would quit the relationship. Then I met Ada and for the first time in my life, my instinct was NOT to scheme my way into her pants but to commit to her unreservedly.
I was even the one that brought up meeting her folks and all that. The day came and I was welcomed with wide smiles and numerous questions. The mother insisted on feeding me and I accepted. Halfway through my porridge, I felt that bastard erection coming up again - - I always have an erection when I’m nervous. I was hoping to make a good impression and all that but this erection wouldn’t let me prosper."

 "It was then I realized I should’ve worn one of the boxers I was used to. The one I had on was new and short and my shirt was tucked in. When I had but two morsels left on my plate, I started winking at my woman to help me out when I was done. She beamed at me from across the table as if telling me ‘you’re doing okay honey.’ I prayed for my mother’s head to help me out.
She didn’t.
Of course, I knew I should offer to take my dish to the kitchen but my erection was by then, still erect. So, right there under the bright lights at their dining table, I signalled to Ada to clear the dishes - - and at that moment, I knew I’d fucked up.”

VERDICT: Part one
Since I am not entirely stupid, I would not expect backslapping and high-fiving from the man. That said, it would be strange seeing my woman’s father washing car under scorching sun when he knows his daughter is bringing me over for informal introductions. However, unlike some opinions on twitter, it wouldn’t be the strangest thing. An old man can have a hobby.

I’m speaking for myself here, but what would it look like greeting the man and heading into his sitting room to wait while he toils at his car washing? Makes no sense! After greeting the man, I’m rolling up my sleeves and grabbing a bucket.
As men, we have to learn that projection is part of scheming.
And scheming is politics.
And politics is everything.

If the man deals in cements and you see some people offloading cement and you only weigh a paltry 66kg, please mind yourself; even if you weigh 200kg. It might not look like it at the time, but nobody wants a moron or a slave as a son-in-law. Don’t try too hard; else they will know you’re pretending. Your goal in life is not to impress, but I’m sure your goal is not to disappoint either. Your goal is to achieve your goal (sorry). And your goal is to get your woman by NOT fucking up with her folks.

Do proper. Do well. Though you might gaffe on one or two things due to nerves, you’ll come through unscathed and they will see how lucky their daughter will be. 

VERDICT: Part two
Not much to do here. Just rewrite that letter with less colourful language and more candour and take it to the man yourself. An erection is not a shameful thing. Emphasize to the man that your biology is fucked up and you trying oh so hard to make a good impression led to your nervousness and ensuing erection.

They will see you are not usually an incorrect person.

@Captaincue (just do well)