BEFORE I BLOW

"A jockey doesn't have to have been born a horse"
               .                                                                      - Arrigho Sacchi

I once wrote about a distinct lack of veritable dreams in my early years because those things were portrayed, or indeed perceived as a constraining concept. I sometimes envy those bastards that manage to figure these things out early as I try to move from nothing to something myself. The journey for self-discovery, which goes hand-in-hand with self-improvement is properly afoot and I have come a long way but still have quite the distance to go yet. As always, I like documenting my findings about the human psyche as I keep journeying. This is another.


Clarity of thought and emotional intelligence. These are two of the traits I lacked as a kid and will be graphically detailed in my autobiography should I lead a successful life. Erudite writers have written lots of articles about poverty, so I will deviate by writing about one of the many psychological issues you have to face on your way up.

On Twitter, I recently asked if poor people are prone to shooting off target when they employ a scatter-gun approach to hustling. That seems to be the notion of hardwork that most poor people have. Me? I know from copious consumption of literature (autobiographies and interview transcripts) that people who defied their circumstances and humble beginnings were deliberate about it all. I have tried to identify the common threads in all those stories.

• The mindset
• The implementation of their plans
• The concept of morality etc

 When you're 20-something, you're in your third decade no? For fuck's sake, we were 17 just yesterday! For a very long time, I was a timid, wide-eyed, impressionable boy and it is evident this disposition hasn't served me well, so I've sought a higher stake in my own life. That is a frightening prospect. Every step you take after making that decision is done while you are trying to strike a fine balance between "no pressure" and "this could turn out to mean an actual fucking lot."

The uncertainty is both thrilling and daunting in equal doses. Gone are the days when you blamed geography, finance and other assorted excuses for your lack. This is the stage to do some independent, critical thinking -- rid of the conventional wisdom we've been inundated with from birth. Que sera sera and all those nonsensical sentiments capable of holding you back.

There will be an aura of luck to your accomplishments and in science, we call this serendipity. You're not going to get a fortunate outcome without making moves. I started my writing agency (lol) late last year, I only told the cafe owner to allow me paste an A4 paper advertising my writing services in his cafe. He refused, advised me to brand it. I did all he advised and things are suddenly looking up. Also, I realize I have one foot in #motivationalspeaker territory here, but one has to overcome the fear of failure. On a personal note, nobody has ever really made it like that in my family and I'm not keen on continuing the trend.

I have reconciled myself with the fact that I might not even make it after all, and that's okay. But dammit, will I give it my all! As an example, when I started getting little gigs late last year, I undercharged more than once & it kept gnawing at me:

"Is this how you'll make it in life, Qa'zim?"

I immersed myself in literature about negotiation for three weeks and now I'm a better negotiator than I was. You must ACTIVELY seek improvement. I mean, it is evident from your anaemic bank balance that the status quo is not working for you. Now when you seek improvement and actually improve, there will be a substantial change in some ways of your life. People will observe. People will complain. I think that is a price you must pay for progress. The amiable cynicism and cautionary stance of folks who notice that "you're changing o."


The opening quote was the reply of the legendary Milan manager after journalists initially questioned how he could manage such a big club having never played professionally. Life is like that sometimes. Be confident. Nobody has lived your life before; just do you due diligence, be confident & coach the hell out of your Milan team. So before I blow, this is my two-finger salute.

By God, I am evolving. Àbí is that not the aim? To ensure our wholes are more than the sum of the brief, miserable parts given us?

--CAPTAINCUE (...is a freelance writer taking on gigs for unridiculous money. Send me a direct message on Twitter @Captaincue or send me a mail with your writing needs at kaptaincue@gmail.com)