I was a teenager with a little rebellious streak which made it nigh impossible to meet up with deadlines for submission of stuff at school. Still, for prosperity's own sake, I've had to tweak my character over the years. In order to make up for the loss of freedom in some phases of my life, I (over)compensate for these concessions in other aspects -- this bibulous blog as a prime example. I dos what I likes.
I used to be okay at academics, you see -- then I wasn't anymore; for reasons I'll detail in my autobiography should I lead a successful life. It was real tough moving on with my life when I had an extra year, I despaired as I never thought such a fate would befall me. My self-esteem was shot to pieces. I surreptitiously engaged in a smorgasbord of self-loathing and misery. I buckled under the overburden pressure of expectations.
Thankfully, by hook & by crook, by doing everything within and without the book, by sheer force of willpower, by providence of the cosmics and by the phantom undertow that propels our lives in the direction it goes, I graduated college after an unusually long time in that bench. When I saw my name on the graduating list, I just dipped my hands in my pockets and looked on in astonished bewilderment. "Is that it?", I remember I though.
I copiously thanked friends and family for the support and slept without a speck of worry on my narrow chest. A terrible weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, momentarily. It wasn't long until it dawned on me that graduating college literally and figuratively meant graduating into another phase; hence, another albatross perched on my ill-equipped shoulders. Still, after the catharsis, I needed time off for convalescence. 11months has done me the world of good, it seems.
In retrospect, I fucking needed that break. To work on my character and shii. I let go of my faux-machismo persona. I stopped feeling sorry for myself whenever someone would remark that "Ah, its like you like this shirt o". No, I don't like that shirt, I just don't have many. (Some people are bastards btw). I've stopped hiding my fingers under the table because I'm a nail biter (sorry). I've started going after thick, yellow, honest-to-God big women that catch my fancy without caring if I get turned down. I took an 11month break from posting pieces without offering an explanation because I felt it was the right thing to do. I needed the break to revitalize my hunger for success, to recharge my batteries, to get my bearing and to set sail on the path I chose. To see its okay to NOT strive to someone's idea of an ideal. To see it's okay to let your inherent personality manifest.
On the soul searching journey that ensued, I realize I had a late start. The wait was especially painful and particularly testing. Now my accounts are still lean as ever, my temperament still requires work, my views are still somewhat peculiar, but, thankfully, finally, I'm gradually coming into my own.
That man in 'House of Cards' said "There are 2 kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong or the useless pain; pain that is just suffering." I think I know the sort I had to deal with. Progress hasn't been linear gaskiya, and the trajectory hasn't always been upward, but the variables in this equation are being solved.
I'll end this polemic with an aphorism I came up with; that its okay to be less than perfect. What a hard-learnt lesson that was. What an invaluable dogma that is.
--->>>Captaincue.
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