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| You people need to stop. Seriously!! |
No. I’ll overcome the temptation to lazily and
predictably lump those pesky politicians in there. That has been/is being
repeatedly and more eloquently done by erudite writers. Instead, I will create
a list that includes less dramatic but no less serious things that you people
do. If you are one of these people, Nigeria will be a better place if you
change. In no particular order, here goes:
10.
People Who Keep You in Suspense When Narrating a Gist: As
a teenage boy, how do you know you’re in love with a girl? Ask a hundred
different guys and you’re likely to get a hundred different responses. So I’m a
boy who talks to other boys and a compendium of these conversations have given
rise to a hypothesis which says: “the
amount of info you’re willing to divulge about your intimate moments with your
woman is directly proportional to the intensity of your feelings for her.”
Back when childish kissing-n-telling was the classless norm, if she’s a girl you really like,
you’ll be stingy with details when your inner circle asks how far, but if
she’s a girl that is using you for sex alone, you leave nothing to imagination
when describing your conquests. You people would probably be eating suya when
it is time for one of you to narrate his latest conquest. “So how did it go”
“Well, after ushering me into the room, she told me
to lock the door and…”. At this point, the idiot narrating the story becomes
insensitive and reaches for a piece of suya on the table. While waiting for him
to resume the story, he proceeds to open his beer, tilt his cup and slowly pour
it.
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| Is this one not unfortunate like this? |
Afterwards, he asks “where did I stop,” before taking a swig from the cup. Usually, it
is at this point that you almost wish the beer will go through the wrong
orifice and that narrator will just choke to death. Almost.
You slow, dawdling, indolent bastard.
(never had a story to tell)
9.
People Who Fry Fries but Won’t Let You Eat Until Everything is Ready: When
did you last hug your Mama? Or worse still, your father? I mean, for me, it’s a
really tough thing to do - - as we just didn’t have that kind of upbringing. No
hugs. Just the perfunctory “you this boy, won’t you eat” you-should-know-I-worry-about-you
kinda words and gestures, but never hugs. Never hugs. That ain’t traumatic, but I will tell
you what is.
You know when your mama is frying
meat/fish/egg/akara/potatoes/yam/plantain and you stroll into the kitchen to
pick one or six of these hot, freshly fried things and she uses her perforated
spoon to hit the back of your hand before telling you to wait until everything
is fried and ready? What is their endgame gangan?
Some will even say it is indiscipline to pick these
fries as they are leaving the oil. No, it’s not! It’s just that I have a fleeting
appetite that needs to be satisfied immediately I crave food. Okay, let us even
joylessly say it is indiscipline. Whenever you do these things to your
children, some tough questions arise in their heads:
- “Am I a bastard?”
- “Is this woman my mother like this?”
- “Did they adopt me in this house?”
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| Serious questions |
Surely, if the aim is to feed me, I don’t need to be sat at a dining table for that to happen. Thankfully, I cook too and I’m usually generous with fries even if some are still on fire. Now imagine leaving your mother’s house, getting yours, and having a partner that does the same thing!!!
Dear Nigerian cooks, stop traumatizing your
children/spouses by disallowing them from spontaneously accessing fries. It is
scientifically proven that denying kids access to fries will twist their
psyches until they masochistically espouse Stockholm syndrome and relish, nay,
crave more pain.
Addicted to pain and heartache, these traumatized kids grow up to support Arsenal.
Addicted to pain and heartache, these traumatized kids grow up to support Arsenal.
8.
‘English-is-kuku-Not-My-Language’ people: Look,
let me say that before 2009, I never voluntarily uttered a word inEnglish. My
English language statements were always in response to questions from teachers.
In retrospect, I feel this was borne out of the concern of being laughed at
when mistakes happen.
Now that I’m no longer 15, I have since recognized that mistake-making is crucial to learning and improving.
Now that I’m no longer 15, I have since recognized that mistake-making is crucial to learning and improving.
The annoying part of this is that I often hear
ridiculous statements trying to justify communicative ineptitude (with
English) by saying “shebi Oyinbo people
too don’t speak my language”. By no means am I advocating that English
should take precedence over your local language, but English is Nigeria’s
lingua franca as it is. Stop using the English-is-kuku-not-my-langauge line.
Just stop it.
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| Ankali |
Not knowing English
is not a sign of patriotism. Strive for self-improvement okay? I hope you find
your reason so you can stop calling soft, fizzy drinks minerals.
4.
Oldsters Who Sing Praises of the Past:Apparently, arguably
sef, for a brief epoch in Nigerian history, the land overflowed with milk and
honey, but pining for these times again helps no one. We can’t even employ the
working principles of 1950 and expect it to work now. There is no sense to
doing these rubbish comparisons apart from valiantly trying to manipulate worry
and casting aspersions on the future. It is simplistic. It is destructive and
ultimately, it is annoying.
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| Sing another song |
Bill Clinton beautifully wrote that the “the future can be better than the past, and
each individual has a personal, moral obligation to make it so.”The rot did
not start today and it will not end tomorrow. So, instead of singing praises of
the past, why not start scheming to ensure the future will no longer be what it
used to be ehn?
5.
“I’m Bored” people: Upon leaving camp, I saw a
beautifully named village on my posting letter and my heart sank when I saw
that my village was at least ten
kilometres away from a tarred road. My first thought was “ah, despite all the dancing I did for Platoon 7, I still didn’t get
posted to a city.”
People redeployed and all that, but I met some like-minded people who had the same mind-set with me: “you make shit happen anywhere you are.” I am happy to report that ever since NYSC started in ’73, I must be in the top 50 of people that enjoyed the scheme the most.
People redeployed and all that, but I met some like-minded people who had the same mind-set with me: “you make shit happen anywhere you are.” I am happy to report that ever since NYSC started in ’73, I must be in the top 50 of people that enjoyed the scheme the most.
On social media, one is wont to seeing status
updates or posts declaring “am
bored,” or “Abakaliki/Gusau is no fun.” Oh please!! Even if you are in
PH/Lagos/New York, fun will not be automatically conveyed to your room by some
magic.
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| We should now goan fry stone? |
Get out. Meet people. Do things. Try these immoral
(but not illegal) things if you’re into such things. Do fun, halal stuff
otherwise. Just don’t sit in the corner of your room and be yelling “am bored.”
Like the Nike maxim says: Just don’t do it.
Like the Nike maxim says: Just don’t do it.
6.
Spouse Snatchers: I said in the beginning this is a
semi-serious post, so spouse here does not denote husband/wife. That said,
biologically, you know girls physically develop at a faster rate than boys and
a sixteen-year-old girl you’ve been talking to as a fourteen-year-old boy will
suddenly have her head turned by a seventeen-year-old boy. SMH. This used to be
annoying, but as one grows, equanimity falls on you.
If all you have, like myself, is prospect and your
spouse meets someone that can immediately offer him more, why get angry!
Yorubas will say “gbaf’oga e.”
Collect for your boss.
Respect person wey pass you.
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| Well play |
I now have inner peace and all that, but for all
those who successfully snatch other
peoples’ spouses, we have mad respect for you, but boy, do we find y’all annoying.
7.
People Who Say Bad Stuff About Other People to Get Sex: Okay.
The coolest persons in this life:
- Goalkeepers who eat chewing gum
- Women who wear sneakers
- Uncles that buy you beer and take you to the club as a 15-year-old
- People who drive with one hand on the steering wheel
- Intelligent people
- People who speak more than two languages
- Andrea Pirlo
Conversely, I could make a list of uncool people,
but I’ll just highlight one category of people in this class. They are persons
that malign other people just so they can swoop in like a centaur and claim the
man/woman after their constant badmouthing has caused a rift.
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| Barney Stinson is our God |
It is against the bro/sis code. It is crass. It is a
classless and obtuse thing to do. I hold the opinion that one person’s demerit
isn’t necessarily your own merit. Where is the subtlety? Just play your own
game without resorting to shamelessly slighting the other party. Be tactful. Be
elegant. Praise your opponent even! Reverse
psychology is a thing. Understand it and use it.
8.
I’m a Man-United Fan, But I think Iwobi is better than Martial:
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| Let me deal with this idiot |
As a scientist, you’ve gotta have a little bone of
atheism in you in order to be able to follow (and believe) Darwin’s theory of
evolutionism. Geologists will have us believe (with good explanations, mind
you) that the entire solar system was formed about six billion years ago when a
spinning disc-shaped hot cloud of interstellar gases (and dust) in our part of the galaxy developed a very
hot epicenter which resulted in a series of thermonuclear reactions that
provided the proto-Sun’s energy through hydrogen fusion. Further turbulence of
the solar nebula led to the condensation of these gases, and invariably led to
the birth of the planets; as they are.
Apart from being the most cumbersome paragraph I have
ever written, it, at least, raises the ‘Evolution vs Creationism’ debate.
However, one thing that can never be debated is the enormity of the earth and
the sheer volume of its constituents; human beings especially. There are more
than seven billion of us on this thing, and while our degrees of relevance vary,
we like to think that all lives matter and everyone has a voice.
That said, even the spokesperson of a group could
not possibly convey the sentiment of majority of a class of people, let alone,
the view of every member of that demographic. So, this number 8 is dedicated to
the people who use what they are as a prefix to what they want to say. So while
you say “I’m a United fan but…”
before declaring Iwobi is better than Martial might make your statement seem
unbiased, it does NOT make your opinion correct. Bro, you don’t speak on behalf
of Man-United fans and your views don’t represent the consensus of United fans.
Say your stuff without any unnecessary preamble and
get your annoying self out of our faces.
9.
RT If You Don’t Watch Game of Thrones:
When I was in secondary school, Van Helsing came out and not having anyone to borrow me the CD, I didn’t get to see the film until five months after its release. By that time, the expectation and anticipation had built up so much that it was almost unbearable. When I finally watched the movie, the hype just could not match the actual thing because I had put the movie on an incredibly high pedestal. It was not a bad movie at all, but I expected too much.
10. You Did Not Sweep This Place: Have you ever been on the precipice of contemplating murder? As a kid, I used to, and I will tell you about it. Of all house chores, washing plates is my favourite by some distance; as I find it therapeutic. My least, of course, was sweeping in the presence of an adult. You might sweep a place with a wider surface area than the Pacific and one adult will just cast a cursory glance and see that one speck of dirt and while pointing one useless finger at that spot, will say: “you did not sweep this place.”
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| Who do you think you are gangan? |
When I was in secondary school, Van Helsing came out and not having anyone to borrow me the CD, I didn’t get to see the film until five months after its release. By that time, the expectation and anticipation had built up so much that it was almost unbearable. When I finally watched the movie, the hype just could not match the actual thing because I had put the movie on an incredibly high pedestal. It was not a bad movie at all, but I expected too much.
Ever since 2004,
I have had this distrust for the hype attached to movies, and it seems some of
you people are like that also. I am not writing this for you to change your
mind about watching/not watching Game of Thrones, nah! Although, with my own
circle of friends and my girlfriend, when one of us reads a dope book or sees a
dope movie, that person must mention it to the others so that all of us in the
group will be able to interestingly make references to lines/characters in
those movies and books. It is an esoteric something.
Not to
proselytize o, but I love creative people and when an author creates a plot
that will threaten to twist your mind and that book is adapted to a long-running
series, of course I will want to see it.
Like my skepticism about hyped movies, you are right if you choose to refrain from
watching a film. That is your prerogative, even though I feel you could be
missing out on a very good piece of entertainment, when objectively examined in
and of its own.
BUT, please, for the love of all that is good, do NOT brag about not having watched any episode of #GoT. That you are not following a particular trend doesn’t make you special or wiser than those who are. Don’t watch #GoT, but please don’t come and be thinking it's something to brag about.
Who is your mate?
BUT, please, for the love of all that is good, do NOT brag about not having watched any episode of #GoT. That you are not following a particular trend doesn’t make you special or wiser than those who are. Don’t watch #GoT, but please don’t come and be thinking it's something to brag about.
Who is your mate?
10. You Did Not Sweep This Place: Have you ever been on the precipice of contemplating murder? As a kid, I used to, and I will tell you about it. Of all house chores, washing plates is my favourite by some distance; as I find it therapeutic. My least, of course, was sweeping in the presence of an adult. You might sweep a place with a wider surface area than the Pacific and one adult will just cast a cursory glance and see that one speck of dirt and while pointing one useless finger at that spot, will say: “you did not sweep this place.”
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| Will I make it in life like this? |
It is a funny old world and this has probably
instilled the hatred of not doing a thorough job in me as I have grown older.
Saying you-did-not-sweep-this-place
ranks just below you-are-not
likely-to-make-it-in-life in the list of things not to say to people. Just
find a subtler way of putting it. Like, take off your shoes, walk to that spot,
pretend to be chatting on WhatsApp, use your leg to do a fluid movement, clear
your throat and we will take a cue and come back to sweep that spot. Whatever
you do, do NOT say “you did not sweep
this place.”
Jara)
#WeThankGod: This last one is jara
because it has featured on another list, but it still counts here. Here
goes:
#WeThankGod: I recently typed to a dear friend; “a good
morning?” and I got a nondescript “good morning”. I launched into a Gandalf-style
lecture about good mornings.When some of us say words, we
actually,intentionally used those words. When I ask ‘how are you’, it’s a
question, not a greeting. I ask,fully expecting an honest appraisal of how
you are. Cold? Enervated? Happy? Horny? To some of us, ‘fine’ is only the second
worst way you can answer the how
inquest.
The worst response of the average Nigerian to any
‘how’ question, is, of course, #WeThankGod.
- How was your test?
- How was the interview?
- How is the gonorrhea treatment going?
- Shey you are making sales?
- Shey profit is biting market?
All these questions, and more, will likely prompt a #WeThankGod response from an average Nigerian. Is there a distinct lack of effort in our attitudes towards answering questions? Has the country so frustrated us that we now see the artof making conversations as a waste of time. I sit to hide how much sales/money you’remaking? See ehn. We all thank God, but when I ask you something, tell me something. Don’t thank God.
Are you mad?
